Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ho Hum...

Well, HRH Prince Charles is here. (Yanks, that means "his royal highness") And all of us on this side of the pond are just "jumping for joy" at the chance to see Price Charles and Camilla (no longer Parker-Bowels) Duchess of Cornwall.

Check out this rousing review of our excitement in the BBC! Royal Couple Visiting Ground Zero.

Or this equally exciting AP story with the quote:

The Guardian newspaper said Tuesday that Charles and Camilla were visiting America determined to win over an American public that appeared to have "absolutely no interest in the eight-day royal visit.

Yeah... Good luck, Chucky.

I really can't speak for my fellow Americans here, I'm a bit messed up, being an ex-ex-pat to Britain. However, I find myself just itching to make all sorts of pithy comments about this amazing visit that is being foisted upon us by Their Royal Boringness'.

I won't though. That just wouldn't be fair.

But I am going to spell out my issues with this couple, and you're all invited to comment and tell me I'm a putz or some other worse term.

I was a very little boy (I think I was six) when Prince Charles and Lady Diana had the big televised wedding. I was in LOVE with Princess Di. How beautiful (not horsey like most Brits) and demure, and wow... I mean, she was a fairy princess for REAL! I always carried a bit of a torch for her. She was exquisite, and cared about orphans and left over land-mines, and stuff. What a Lady!

1996 (quite some time has passed) and Prince Charles divorces the Magical Fairy Princess. In the intervening years, we discover that the guy's been porking another woman, by the name of Camilla. (Anyone remember the name of Gonzo's chicken-girl-friend from the Muppets?) Okay... Not only is this woman a divorcée, she's as ugly as a freaking pile of shite! I mean... Horsey? Whoa... Her teeth come into the room twenty minutes before the rest of her! And he's sleeping with this woman behind my fairy princesses' BACK!

I wasn't alone in my contempt for this fuck-head. Many Americans agreed with me... And, hell, even more Brits did and still DO agree with me on this one.

It's not about the breaking of the vows of marriage that really get me... I mean, I'm a Yank, my presidents do that sort of stuff all the time... But, it's the fact that he was so bloody insane in his choice! It's one thing to diddle a fairly attractive intern in the Oval Office, or heck, Kennedy got Marilyn Monroe, for chrissake! But CAMILLA?

Years on from then... Diana's been killed in a rather convenient timely fashion by the Royal Family, oops... I mean, she died in a tragic accident, and it had nothing whatsoever to do with the Royal Family... And Charles finally gets his chance. He can marry the horsey, bitchy, high-society twit-headed and ugly Camilla.

Oh... Wait... The Queen's against it. The Royal Family is against it... The Parliament is against it... The British PEOPLE are against it. But it happens.

They're married, and Camilla just wore a tiara for the first time last week. Bless her.

Now they're coming here. How absolutely marvellous!

Gee whiz, Chucky... Why aren't American's excited about your visit? 'Cause we're used to our leaders and roll-models banging attractive folk... Not ugly ones. And not leaving a poor little unhappy wife at home whilst you do it... And not divorcing her (Hill and Bill are still together, right?) and then killing her (I mean, having her die in an accident) and then turning around and marrying the ugly-ass "other woman" as soon as you can get away with it.

Shame... Chucky... Shame.

Camilla... If you're reading this, ever... You're an ugly ass cow.

I miss my fairy princess. Bye Di... Some of us haven't forgotten you.